HELLO from the studio!

Today I went on Sky News and BBC Radio 2 to talk about a spectacular
parenting fuck-up.

Basically it's like this: a couple in Japan got right royally narked with their 6-year-old, who was, apparently, throwing stones. 
So narked were they, that they left him in the forest in which said stones were being thrown. 
And drove off. 

When they came back a few minutes later to get him, freshly de-narked and realising that, actually, they should probably not leave their child in a forest in which there are known to be bears - and stones - their little boy...

...wasn't there. 

In fact, he went missing for 6 days

Now, I lost one of my children in Primark once, for a full THREE MINUTES, and I gotta to tell you, I had to buy a new pair of pants afterwards. 

The TERROR of losing a child is something nobody can comprehend until they've done it.
It's worse than being cut off by your phone supplier. 

It's a blood-chilling, heart-stopping, shit-releasing feeling of Time standing still, yet moving faster than Matt le Blanc in a Maserati. 

Everything stops. Everything is whizzing around.
Everything is....FUUUUUUCK!!!!

You don't know which way to look, move, shout, run....WHERE IS MY CHILD???!! (The answer is usually, 'chewing on a price tag in the lingerie section while sticking their fingers up their bum.')

Yeah, in general I really don't recommend it.
But, chances are that if you have a child, you WILL lose them at some point.
And you will also get very very annoyed with them at many points, and walk away. 

Just for a minute. Assuming that they will not....walk away too. 
Somewhere else. 
And be missing in a forest full of bears, for six days. 

There has been an fairly fierce international outcry directed at these parents in Japan, who have since apologised in the most complete, open and public manner. As if they haven't been through enough trauma already. 

But I say this to the critics, the haters, and the judgemental armchair child-carers:
you bunch of total hypocrites, you. 
Can you TRULY say you've never done ANYTHING in a moment of parental exhaustion, fury, unbearable irritation and incessant leg-pulling, that could POTENTIALLY, have resulted in disaster? 


I don't believe you. Or, if I do, then I don't want to hang out with you. 
You are weird, and probably shelve your condiments alphabetically. 

For the rest of us, the Normal, Flawed, Knackered majority, getting through a decade or more of child-rearing without
a) leaving our offspring in a garage forecourt
b) listing one or more of them on eBay
c) losing them in a swimming pool changing room or
d) forgetting their name

is almost impossible.

Yes, driving off and leaving a child in a forest is probably a little too far. Even if there are no bears.
But really, SO much worse shit goes on in households all over the world every day, be it physical abuse, emotional cruelty, neglect, proper BAD stuff, that making a silly, regrettable, but, in my view, eminently understandable and forgivable mistake under duress, chronic lack of sleep and everyday parenting hell, is not worth making someone feel absolutely shitballs about. 

We all make mistakes. We all lose our rag. We all storm off sometimes. 

So let's stop the hypocriparenting, be honest, and focus on mending our own faults instead


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