EXTRACTS FROM THE YUMMY MUMMY'S FAMILY HANDBOOK

LAYING THE FOUNDATIONS

Once upon a slightly more miserable and unfair time, families had a very clear hierarchical structure: men up in the penthouse, women in the middle (usually the kitchen) and kids either up a chimney or in the gutter. There were some half-landings reserved for elders, whether male or female, but apart from that it was very simple: everyone knew their place and it worked.

'Yes,' you say, 'but unless you fell into the "elder" or "man" camps, it was also shite.' Indeed it was, and that's why most of us are glad that the structure of most families today is less 'four-storey townhouse', and more 'one up, one down'. Parents still hold most of the authority upstairs, while the kids play downstairs, and family meetings are regularly held on the landing for everyone to have their say. So far, so much more democratic.

What is slightly problematic, I think, is that some families have taken this improvement a step too far and have adopted a bungalow layout with everyone on a level with everyone else. There is no hierarchy, no authority and no control. In the same way that bungalows are unnatural (where are the stairs, woman, the stairs ??), confusing and unattractive, so Bungalow Families are built on shaky ground, and should be denied planning permission.

Don't get me wrong - I'm all for equality, human rights, democracy and Saturday sweets. Of course children have the right to have their say in family matters as much as any adults do. The problem lies in allowing everyone to have their way, which obliterates any sense of authority or control, leading to Family Anarchy...

...Here are some things to bear in mind if you are struggling between Dictatorship and Anarchy:

Social responsibility. The way you bring your kids up will greatly influence how they behave outside the home. Some people don't seem to mind if their kids are unruly, rude, arrogant and uncontrollable. If you feel it might be better to instil some sense of respect, authority and having to do as one is told occasionally, then perhaps you'll need to take more control: 'I know you want crisps, but I'm your mother and I say "no" because you had them yesterday. End of discussion!'

Welcome to the Real World. If kids never hear the words, 'Well, sometimes life sucks, so you're going to have to do as I say this time, I'm afraid', then they are in for a rude shock one day when they come across a teacher, policeman or employer.

Having their say. Children who feel they have no sense of power or control over their lives at all can become very aggressive or depressed and may even grow into evil dictators who threaten to take over the world. It's vital that kids are allowed to have their say on matters that affect them. It's important to listen, but not necessary to agree: so long as you explain why then they get a sense of having had a good shot at it. Anyway, they know when they are well wide of the mark - they're not stupid!

Authority works. If you decide to go for something a little more high-rise and authoritative, don't feel you're a cold-hearted relic of the Victorian age: many families are now realising that establishing a clear hierarchy within a family works very well, doesn't lead to screwed-up kids and makes life a lot more pleasant both within the home and outside it. If you lay down simple rules from day one and follow them, you should avoid ever living with tearaway tots.