EXTRACTS FROM THE YUMMY MUMMY'S FAMILY HANDBOOK

THE MASTER BEDROOM

LOVE AND MARRIAGE.

All sentimentality and delicate wording aside, on the face of it marriage stinks as an idea: two human beings sharing their lives, home, holidays, bed, food, friends, body wash, space and TV remote control every day for as long as they both shall live? Move over!

Clearly there is a good deal more to it than that, but here's the thing: At our most basic level (and most men are their most basic level half of the time, let's face it) humans are not biologically programmed to be monogamous. In order to survive, we have to reproduce, and the most likely way to do this is for the men to sow their seeds as often as possible. Doing this with one fair maiden is a good start, but the chances of producing some Super Offspring are greatly enhanced if he spreads himself about a bit in a big, hairy, primal, adulterous orgy of sperm-meets-egg.

I can already feel every man in the land leaping to kiss my cheeks as they read this, because I have all but given them the green light to go forth and do the dirty with Suzie from marketing this very day. Steady on, lads - and ladies - I'm not finished yet.

Times have changed and these days most people favour the Settling Down with One Person approach over the Shag Anything That Moves set-up practised by our ancestors and still kept alive by some dutiful government ministers and well-groomed media types.

Most, but not all. There is no acceptable 'norm', which I think is a very good thing. What suits one couple results in smashed crockery for another. Where some marriages survive perfectly well on a diet of 'The usual tonight, madam?' others like to mix things up a bit and work through the entire menu. Each to their own. What doesn't work is when spouses want different things, and this is where open lines of communication are key: if the cards are on the table, then you and the gym instructor can be too, if that was what was agreed. If it's not, then you can expect some hefty conversations to follow.

But what of marriage - and love? Love But really human to very which that changes with time, as you do as individuals; that forgives the pants on the floor and that overcomes any desire to stray. Commitment that stays true despite the arrival of husky French colleagues, disagreements over light-fittings and one of you stealing the duvet every night...

I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU NOT, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU NOT. Falling in and out of love

When you live with somebody for twenty, thirty, forty or more years, it is highly unlikely that you will be unwaveringly in love with them for the entire period. Far more likely is that you both go through stages of loving each other, disliking each other, hating each other, being allergic to one another, and then come back round to loving each other again. This is normal, and nothing to be worried about at all.

Whatever the cause, there are some key things to remember when you feel you have fallen out of love:

Do not panic. You are not doomed, but are simply going through a phase where things look a little bleak and confusing, and you don't feel very much in love for a while.

It will happen again. Falling out of love can happen following a busy period at work; as a result of your children being in particularly challenging, difficult stages; when the bathroom tiles don't turn out to be quite the colour you had anticipated; when he forgets your birthday for the third year in a row (for example...); or for more reasons than I could possibly fit into one book. Just when you thought it was safe to be complacent again, expect it, and be prepared.

Just because. Sometimes you stop being in love for no discernable reason, and this is something you need to be particularly aware of. My personal theory (unless somebody cleverer has got there first) is that falling out of love is beneficial to a relationship. Not long-term lack of love, of course, but it's the Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder approach (damn it - maybe somebody did think of it first) where having periods of abstinence means when you do get all loved-up again it feels better then it did before and you appreciate it all the more. It's just a theory, but it's the one I'm sticking to...