When everything seems a bit...aaarghghghgh it's a good plan to try and regain some life balance.
In an attempt to do this, and consume yet more sourdough (before being sick again, obvs), I grabbed a copy of the always excellent @balanceldn (I've written for them a few times, so it MUST be great 😉) at one of my London favourites, @notescoffee and took some time for a think.
Maybe I just need to slow down a little. Stop working like a maniac 7 days a week on this Headcase launch, stop worrying about how my children are going to take the baby news, stop worrying about the effect of all this on my career, stop worrying about the effect on my body and mind, stop worrying about the effect on my relationship, stop worrying that I was going to be homeless in 3 weeks and had NOTHING sorted, stop worrying about worrying about everything!
I'm not entirely sure what the heck the Worry Gods were up to that day, but something went horribly wrong the whole 'finding a balance' thing.
Because on my cycle home that night, back in Cambridge, I lost my balance completely.
Or rather, someone lost it for me.
There I was on my bike. In the pitch dark. Cycling fast - which is the only way I know how to cycle. Out of the darkness, and with no warning at all, an unspeakably, mind-numbingly moronic pedestrian stepped right out in front of me without looking.
I immediately swerved into the road to avoid him, which would all have gone very well had he not suddenly had a the INGENIOUS idea to suddenly run BACKWARDS AGAIN right into my path. This forced me right off the road and across the pavement, where I smashed my head straight into a brick wall, at high speed.
8 weeks pregnant. 🚲💥🚑
The man ran off into the dark.
I lay on the pavement clutching my head, my bike on top of me.
It was raining, and very cold. I started to shake almost immediately, from the cold and shock.
I couldn't move.
Three cars stopped. Someone got out to ask if I was OK. I remember just saying something about Boombox, and being surprised when she didn't immediately know who Boombox was, or why this was so important.
Someone else ran to the corner shop for some ice to put on the rocket now launching out of my skull.
Someone else called an ambulance.
I lay on the ground, freezing, a HUGE lump still growing on my head, unable to move my neck or shoulder....and all I could think was...the baby.
I was totally quiet and numb with fear.
There are several things women are encouraged not to do in their first trimester of pregnancy:
Fall down the stairs.
Have hot baths.
Drink tequila slammers.
Have massive bike crashes.
I was absolutely, totally certain that I was going lose this baby.
Never mind the concussion I had for over a week after that.
Never mind the hairline fracture on my should I that the paramedics told me I had sustained.
Never mind that I couldn't see properly, sleep for the pain, or eat due to the pregnancy nausea.
Never mind the huge quantities of painkillers I now had to take-in order to be able to get by at all.
I was just so, so, so SO worried about this baby.
Our chance at parenthood together.
Little did I, or the baby know, that this was just the first of several hurdles that our first, sick, hungry, tearful, painkiller-filled trimester was going to throw our way . . . .