CAMBRIDGE AGENDA September 2003

As lifechanging experiences go, starting school is in the Big League. It's right up there with getting married, having kids and buying your first non-completely-disgusting bottle of wine.

For some strange reason a lot of attention is lavished on the children concerned - will he make friends? How will she cope? Will he miss me? Has she inherited my "aversion to all things mathematical" gene?

All of this is just needless fretting. It's safe to say that in 99% of cases* the kids will be just FINE. You, on the other hand, will be a complete wreck, and need all the help and care you can get.

With this in mind I offer my Parents Starting School Survival Guide. Add a pinch of salt as required.

1. Blend In. Much as we like to encourage our children's individuality, the first term in a new class is not the time for wacky socks or experimental hairstyles. Whatever "Everyone else" has or wears or is allowed to do, is all that matters now.

2. Set your alarm clock. Having spent the last 5 years getting up two hours too early, your child will suddenly develop the need to sleep until well after the school bell. Allow at least an extra hour for getting out of the door for the whole first term, by which time you will be a pro and you'll have whittled it down to 50 minutes.

3. Set it again. While you should congratulate yourself on successfully dropping your child off at school, it's important to remember that they do need collecting again. In most cases this is at 3.15pm, and, unlike parties, it's not OK to be the last one to go home. Be early.

4. Buy lots of bread. Obviously this only applies to those whose children are having packed lunch, and those who really like eating bread. Many a frenzied trip to Tesco's in the middle of the night can be avoided if you stock up.

5. Be prepared to be wrong. From now on you are not the centre of your child's Universe - their peers are. They are right and you are wrong. About everything. Forever.

6. Do a Cockpit Check. Before leaving the house ensure you have enough items to win Supermarket Sweep. These may include: lunch box, drink bottle, school bag, reading book, PE kit, morning snack, forms you've forgotten to fill in, other children's borrowed toys to return, items to show the class, rain or sun hat, lunch money, party invitations or replies to party invitations. And your child.

7. Friends for Tea. Not content with being together for six hours every day, your child will want to bring friends round for a play after school. This usually entails disappearing upstairs as soon as they get home, only to emerge when food is offered. Best to stock up on fishfingers while you're getting the bread.

8. Cancel all social engagements. You should probably do this until at least 2009, because from now on your child's social diary will dictate what the rest of the family does. Week nights will involve playing at someone's house or having a friend over and every weekend will contain at least one birthday party.

9. Take a box of tissues for the first day at school. I am not at all ashamed to admit that I was the only mother to burst into tears the second the classroom door closed. Be prepared - it is a very big moment in a parent's life too.

10. Re-mortgage the house. Or find some other way of having more cash around. The education may be free, but now you're tied to school holidays, which means paying through the nose for air fares, holidays and visiting attractions. Not forgetting pester power which really kicks in now - "she's got, he's got, it's not fair" etc. will eventually make a hole in your pocket however hard you try to resist.

Hopefully this will help to ease the shock of starting school for the second time. Enjoy it - this time next year you won't know how you ever coped with having them at home all day!

*This figure is a total guess and may be out by up to 100%.