SUNDAY TIMES NEWS REVIEW 5 July 2007
When Harold Wilson coined the phrase 'A week is a long time in politics' I can only assume he hadn't spent much time at home with children during the summer holidays. If he had experienced such trying circumstances - when the longest interval between a high-pitched argument about who had 'it' first and is consequently the bigger fart head, and the emptying of the entire contents of a toy cupboard followed by the dreaded words 'I'm bored!' is approximately seventy five seconds - he would have realised that a week is only ever a long time when you're at home and the kids are off school.
So here we are, two long, LONG weeks into the summer break ('Break'? Ha!) with only another four or so to go. Anyone going mad yet?
Thought so.
The sad thing about all the moaning we parents do when our kids descend on us for 24 hours of every day for six weeks (oh help.I need some air just thinking about it) is that we all know we are supposed to enjoy spending all this time with them. We should relish every minute. Delight in every hour. Savour every joyous day.
And most of the time I do. No really - I love being with my kids without the hideous constraints of the school bell, ballet classes, football coaching, homework and all the rest of the term-time stress. It's just that I also love being able to go to the loo unaccompanied by a small child and reading more than 50 words of a newspaper without being interrupted - what's that? Hang on a sec.Like I said, not being interrupted by the sound of milk gushing all over the kitchen floor.
As the days have worn on I've found myself doing everything I promised I wouldn't: shouting if anyone does anything annoying (on average I would say this happens every three minutes); feeding my kids junk food to keep them quiet; bribing them with the promise of more junk food if they keep quiet; drinking wine long before it's acceptable to even think about it; using the television as a babysitter; ditto the Internet; checking the cinema timetable every hour just in case I didn't spot a tremendously exciting, seven-hour film equally suitable for four, seven, ten and thirty-two-year-olds; calling every number on the class lists and inviting children over to play - even children my kids think are vile - simply because it means they play together for a few hours; threatening to send them all off to boarding school.
Judging by the swarms of grim-faced, irritable families in town this weekend, I imagine I'm not alone in finding all of this overcrowding on the home front just a little trying.
In a bid to make everyone's summer that little bit less fraught, I have compiled a list of some of tried and tested boredom-stoppers (see box, opposite). If all of these fail then maybe those ear plugs will have to do until we hit September. Chin up!
Go camping indoors. When a weekend in the Lakes looks like a washout then simply pitch up in the dining room. I know it's cheating but this way there's no panic about cows, spiders or weeing too close to the tent. When it's dry, pitching a tent in the garden can also keep kids happy for days on end, and keeps them out of the sun.
Give in to Harry Potter. Much as we may moan about 'yet another bloody Harry Potter', a book the size of a dishwasher could mean four weeks of total silence if you have an avid reader in the house. When the reading's over, suggest they make spell books, build a Hogwarts model, make up some potions and generally take it to the next level. Creativus Totalis!
Build with cardboard boxes. Our recent house move went the way of most house moves and we consequently have 50 unused packing boxes in our garage. These are coming in very handy as my kids tape them together, cut holes in them and build a 'highly sought after dwelling with delightful views'. So far it has kept them occupied for four days, and there's what look like a loft extension to come.Ask in shops if they have boxes they are throwing out, and you'll have the bricks and mortar for free. Warning: it's messy.
Swim outdoors (except during a thunderstorm, unless you want to be zapped into oblivion). The colder the air temperature, the warmer the water feels. Well, that's the theory. There are loads of wonderful outdoor paddling pools and lidos in the UK , so find your nearest one and go for a splash. As my four-year-old likes to point out, it's lovely once you're out! www.lidos.org.uk has details.
Cat in the Hat Game. If the big, hairy nuisance won't come and see you then why not become him instead? See how much amazing balancing they can do (without smashing anything, obviously) but make sure they use some Vooooom to put it all away again.
Indoor Play areas. I hate these places more than it's polite to say but they can save your skin in predictable wet weather. The kids run wild until their communal sweat forms rivers down the slides, you spend a fortune on fat, salt and sugar and then try to retrieve your lost toddler by squeezing through a tunnel designed for people who have never given birth.what's not to like?
Home Cinema. Blockbuster has a 25p for kids' films offer on all summer. Go! www.blockbuster.co.uk
Treasure hunts. The oldest games are the best, and this one can be tailored to suit all ages. Yes, it takes a little preparation time on your part, but if you can be fiendish enough you'll get some rest while they search.
Indoor Sports. Many local sports facilities offer one-off trial days of activities such as rock climbing, tennis, badminton, trampolining and so on. Visit your local city council website for details of sports centres near you.
Book Shop Special Events. Keep your eyes peeled for special children's events at a bookshop near you. Face painting, making models, story-telling and much more can keep kids amused (for free!) for a few hours.
Get Thespian Choose a favourite book, poem or play and see if you can put on some kind of show by the end of a week. Recording it with a DV Cam or simply onto a tape or CD is great fun if they can also get creative with sound-effects, and I've known entire weekends to be consumed with practising scene changes and the finer points of production design. Move over Sam Mendes.
Theme it. Sometimes kids just need to get their teeth into something and then there's no stopping their creativity. Pick a theme you think they'll enjoy (Romans, the Artic, Battle of Hastings) and base your week around this, from what you wear, to what you eat, do and read. Go to the library for inspiration, and see how far you can take it.